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Photo by Alexander Krivitskiy

By Laura Cullen

There needs to be an “other” card for times when ladies need to make a private excuse. The other card is to be played on those days when you don’t really want to share your TMI reason. Someone told me that I share “too much information”. I don’t need to give reasons why I can’t do, go or attend some function. While I agree somewhat with that sentiment that I shouldn’t need to give a reason.

Strangely, I did feel obligated to do so. However, about ten years ago I achieved the “I don’t care” level of being a female. I decided I am just going to embrace my feminine glory and all its life-giving attributes.

Step back, it about to get real yo… because sometime after my bladder wasn’t at 100% function, sometime after 4 kids dropped out of my vagina, sometime after my hormones went wacko since I spent too much time indoors, sometime after I no longer had any dignity since random strangers we call medical personnel put their fingers up my private snatch hole at my yearly medical care visits while rudely squeezing my breasts, and poking fingers in my rectum, sometime after all that I achieved critical velocity in the “I no longer care” arena.

If I had only known back then I could play the “other” card when someone called to invite me over, or I had to decline a wedding or party invite because yep, “other” is happening like donkey kong.

The other card could entail a whole myriad of reasons like when my judo instructor called me out in class for not doing 200 jumping jacks. I could have just smiled and said, here’s my “other” card. Instead, I gave him the technical reason with a mental PowerPoint image that I was sorry my bladder wasn’t quite the same after having 4 kids and Yes, I did go to the bathroom before I left the house, and before class, and even ceased drinking fluids for 3 hours prior to class, and yes, I did kegel exercises every day and often multi-tasked while I did those Kegels. Also, tonight in judo class I did a different exercise and Kegels while my classmates did 200 jumping jacks. I’m pretty sure he would have preferred to accept the other card.

Photo by Kat Jayne

The other card could be used for those times when you are shedding that uterine lining too. While many women claim to not have cramps or any such problems during their period, I was blessed with huge birthing hips, the ability to nurse a small nation and a wonderful over achieving uterus that just gets down to some serious marathon uterine lining shedding. It is so intense I can’t leave the house for those 3 days.

Despite doctors telling me that it is normal for someone my age(38 years old when it started) to have a heavy period, the only relief I have is two-three months out of the year when I can be in the sun for several hours per day and the sunlight normalizes my hormones.

I have an estrogen dominant cycle with low progesterone which is the symptom of me living at the 42nd latitude. But here again, I’d rather just hand in the “other” card rather than a lengthy explanation of how spending time in the sun controls our hormones and the subsequent details of how lack of said sun relates to my uterus lining expelling once a month like a volcano of endometrial cells.

(If you want to understand how being in the sunlight without sunglasses and sunscreen normalizes hormones, google Neurosurgeon Jack Kruse, what he knows and understands are some major truth bombs for people looking to live a life of wellness). I digress….

Photo by Starz

The other card could be handed out without fear of shame or reprisal for those luteal times when I want to sit the sofa and watch episode after episode of Claire and her Scottish man making out like banshees in Outlander while I pig down some chocolate, ice cream and wine with name’s like Mommy’s Time Out while trying to look sexy just in case my man comes home and wants to don a kilt and talk to me in a panty soaking Scottish accent.

Photo by KML

The other card could even be played at home when my man walks in the door and I hand him the other card like a “kid watching” baton. I wouldn’t have to explain to him I haven’t used the toilet without an audience since 1995 and tonight I am using the other card. Please don’t interrupt me in the bathroom, since I won’t hear you anyway because I’ll be singing Prince songs like Julia Roberts in the sudsy bathtub of the hotel in Pretty Woman.

In fact, I can feel men really getting on board with the Other card too since then they won’t be scared by the mental images that go along with the obligated explanation of why can’t I do something. We could even color code the cards for the reaction we need from our partners. We could give them our other card, and based on the color they would take care of the kids, give us chocolate, wine, flowers, jewelry, dress up like a Scotsman, or book a solitary vacation for us.

We would no longer feel obligated to give a reason. It’s just “other” time dear.

P.S. If you were mentally scarred by the imagery in this post. Sorry, Not Sorry.